Over the last year I have taken some time to seriously evaluate my life.
Like, I mean…really deeply, “the meaning of life” type evaluation, not “do I like the colour of my kitchen” evaluation.
It was not really a choice to do this evaluation. It was a grieving period and a personal growth period that my subconscious decided my more conscious self needed to go through to solicit change to be really happy.
Life Changing Evaluations
The loss of my brother made me really look what I wanted in life and allowed me to seek a life that made me genuinely happy.That evaluation at 23 years old was life changing. It lead me to divorce someone I married too young for all the wrong reasons, where we lead the typical married life that looked good on the outside but had no substance.
After that, and over the last 15 years, I met and fell in love with my best friend and soulmate. Had his two children and moved to the country to live rurally…. all things that were on my life’s “to do to be happy” list back then at 23.
Life Itself can Often Get in the way of your Life Plan
Of course, a lot of things I didn’t plan in my life happened through that time as well. Like my husband becoming severely physically limited with a chronic illness that brings him constant chronic pain and fatigue. And as such,my becoming a spouse to a physically disabled person, making me also his caregiver as well as his wife and co parent and friend.
We also parent two children who both have different special needs, and that can be a daily challenge as well as the blessing it is.
In those kinds of life changing events it is really easy to fall into the stresses of everyday life and forget that we all should be living like this is the opening night of the play and not just a dress rehearsal.
It’s Not Always Easy to Stay Mindful
Thought I have always endeavoured to try and see the good in every day,no matter how bad things could be, it is easy to find yourself completely stressed out, depressed and wondering what the hell it is all for. Avoiding looking for the hard answers by getting lost in an episode of someone else’s fictional life on television every evening. Or, ironically, spending hours endlessly making sure your Sims Social self on facebook is happy, fed, showered and well rested between managing your farmville and candycrush games. (neither of which I personally play.)
Lost and Overwhelmed
This is basically where I was last year. I was stuck, feeling lost, worn out and defeated with all the things we struggle with in our lives day to day, and at the same time of all of that…I found myself dealing with some pretty stressful harassment and discrimination from neighbours for being a financially poor homeschooling family with disabilities in our small community. ( like being reported to Children’s Aid on false allegations kind of stress/harassment)
For the last few years I had just been going through the motions, overwhelmed, burnt out. Taking it one day at a time, and not looking at the big picture.